A New Story For The Story

I was sitting in a chair knee to knee with someone I barely knew. Earlier we had been instructed to write down one of our stories. The kind of story that we create from the interpretation of an experience in our lives.

I was doing an intensive weekend personal development course and the purpose of this exercise was to help participants overcome internal barriers – thoughts and beliefs that had been formed through an experience we had, which had become a story that sometimes limits us or doesn’t serve us in a good way.

Sitting knee to knee with my story in hand we were asked to read them out loud to our partners. Not just once, but over and over again. 

Thinking back to that experience, which was 18 years ago, I remember crying at first. It was my story and I had completely bought into it. It had become a part of my psyche and who I was. I really believed that the experience I had in the past meant I was not loveable.

After the third time sharing, however, the story started to change.  It started to mean less, until it eventually became a bunch of words on paper that started to mean nothing at all.

I started to see that it was just a story that I had created from an interpretation of something that had happened to me. The interpretation could have gone many different ways, but the one I chose left me deflated and unable to move forward in many areas of life. If I had looked at it at in a different way I might have saved myself from years of feeling unlovable and of (inadvertently) looking for experiences that reinforced this belief.

By the time I started reading my story for the fifth time I recall beginning to laugh. I’m sure my partner was relieved that they didn’t have to hear my story anymore!  (Probably akin to my family or friends who had heard this story on repeat too). The tears dried up as I thought about how ridiculous my story was and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders.

All those years, I felt my story was true, but it was not, and never was, the Truth.

Talking about it, sharing it over and over again, killed the power of the story and helped to set me free. I saw there were many other interpretations to that experience. And that it had little to do with me.

We all have stories.  Some empower us and some keep us playing safe. Think about your stories and which bucket it falls into.  Bringing awareness to it can help to diminish the power of those that don’t serve us.

You can also take it one step further by creating a new story for the story.

Consider asking yourself the questions below.  To bring it to life, let’s consider you have been laid off from your job, one you have held for many years and have made significant contributions in.

1. At the time of that experience, what did you say to yourself or tell yourself at that moment?

I told myself that I must not be smart enough.  Otherwise, why would they choose to lay me off?  

2. How did this interpretation make you feel?

I felt angry that I had given so many years to this company and I was afraid to apply for other jobs at the same level or higher going forward.

3. By believing this, how has it impacted you in your life?

I question everything I do and go for jobs that are “easy” and which leave me feeling unfulfilled. I reinforce the belief that I’m not smart enough.

4. What other interpretations might there have been for your lay off? 

• I was the most senior and therefore the most expensive to keep.  
• There was other people just as good as me but my boss didn’t do a good job of “selling” me. So I’m the one that got laid off.
• They had to let go 20 percent of staff, and I was just one of the unfortunate ones. No specific reason.

5. Considering the interpretation that has been a part of your story, and these new ones, which one is more empowering to believe in?

I had received high performance reviews year after year, so for me to think I wasn’t smart enough is likely not the case. I can see that it’s probably one of the other interpretations and even one I don’t know about but which has nothing to do with me and more about a company saving money.

6. How do you feel with the new interpretation?

That it had nothing to do with me. That I am and always have been smart enough.

7. If a situation like this happens again, what might you tell yourself?

I am capable. I am smart.  I deserve a job that challenges me and gives me passion.

Unfolding Tip:

Take notice of the unproductive stories you create and tell yourself – the ones that stop you or make you feel “less than”. They only mean as much as you mean them to be. Re-evaluate and re-create.