The Dilemma of “Undercover” Alone Time

I did the unthinkable a while back.  I shut my laptop down, walked out of my office into the cold winter air, and jumped into my car – with no destination. What made it unthinkable was that – 1) I told no one in my family I would be taking an afternoon off, and 2) I had no plans laid out in front of me.

As a working mom with two kids and a husband who mostly worked from home it was hard to find real “alone” time – time where I was not focused on a family-related task or didn’t have to squeeze that time into an hour between the kids’ and my bedtime. That’s not to say I didn’t get opportunities to be on my own. Gratefully, my family had always been supportive of that. 

But during this particular week in the middle of winter I felt crushed by life. I had been on simmer for a while and was about to boil over. Like in the Sex and the City movie when little Lily puts her dirty hands on Charlotte’s designer-clothed butt and Charlotte locks herself in the kitchen pantry to cry. It was like I was losing control – that I “craved” this time – and my mind, body and soul knew no other way than to say yes to this afternoon on my own.

What this meant was, for just one afternoon, I didn’t want to negotiate time out for myself, feel the pinch of a 2-hour timeline or have to use any of my time toward others. So I got the last-minute permission from work.

I knew I couldn’t go home because home was the “pull” for things that had to get done. All that was left was the “push” – the push to use my time in any way I wanted.

You’d think this would be an easy task. There were so many options to choose from!  I could go for a massage, get a pedicure, lounge at the book store, go for a hike, write for my blog, contemplate my long term goals, organize the photos on my laptop and phone, or do other stuff I hadn’t had a chance to do but was always nagging me in the back of my mind.

I was planning to engage in some undercover alone time and yet, as I drove in my car with no destination in mind, I started to unravel at not knowing what I would do with myself over the next four hours. To make matters worse I was beginning to feel guilty for keeping this time a “secret”.

Was I wrong not to tell anyone?  Or was it ok not to share what I would be doing in this 4-hour time slot of my hopefully 90 long years of life?

There were only three ways I could “justify” this undercover alone time in my head.

First, I began to commend myself for breaking the rules because, frankly, I never break the rules. Under the vibration of guilt I felt somewhat liberated. It had been a long time since I felt that. It was my version of riding in the car with the top rolled down, my hair whipping around and then raising my arms past the dashboard with a big “woohoo!”

Second, I knew other women who had done this. Not only taking “undercover” alone time for themselves, but also fist pumping their way into an evening alone. They actually enjoyed time away from their partners (and children) and did not feel one inkling of guilt about it. Big sigh here. There’s comfort in numbers.

Third, I asked myself “Do I really have to share every moment of my day?” Obviously at that time the answer in my head was no.

Leaning on all my justifications I managed to shove the guilt deep inside me (I was surprised there was room for it amidst all the other guilt I had collected since becoming a wife and mother), and I began to sift through my options again.

Here’s what I did. 

First, I got a “spa” pedicure. The kind where they take extra time to gloriously massage your legs and feet and lather umpteen types of cream and oils on your extremities, followed by a warm fuzzy cloth to take it all off. The kind where you can sink back into a massage chair, choose what body part you want to pulsate, lay your head back, and day dream (or catch up on the news on your cell phone without feeling bad about THAT). One hour later, with fresh ‘no turning back from pink street’ on my nails, I happily shuffled out and headed to my next destination.

Starbucks. I browsed around the attached Chapters, taking my sweet time in the aisles, sipping on my good old-fashioned coffee. I stopped off in the kid section marvelling at the fact that I wasn’t rushing around looking for a birthday gift for one of my son’s friends. And that I had a chance to think about Christmas gifts six months ahead of time, at which point I chastised myself and then ceremoniously waved that ridiculous thought out of my mind.

Eventually I made my way back into the Starbucks where I gave up all willpower for a slice of banana bread and found a vacant spot to start a course on Coursera called “The Science of Well-being”. I felt weird about taking my laptop in with me but I loved to learn and was always searching for extra time to do that. So that’s what I did.

Once I had filled my head with science and well-being, I dropped my laptop back into my car and…

Went shopping – at Marshalls.  I mean, how often do I actually get to peruse this store and try clothes on without tight time pressures? Usually, I had limited time and a specific purpose – find a pair of shoes….purchase a new bra…get some shampoo…buy a birthday, mother’s day, father’s day, Christmas day gift for –  someone. Hallelujah! I felt unleashed. I wasn’t tied to one area and I had at least an hour to do it. I got a cart and got to it. Three visits to the change room, five rounds around the store, and four pieces of clothing later, I strut out of the store with my blue and white bags and…

…made a quick visit to the grocery store to pick up dinner for the kids (because a mother’s work is never done!).

With the smell of roasted chicken and potato wedges wafting around in the car I turned on the music and tried to ignore the little voices in my head that were telling me how I should feel about my day. 

I had “good” little angel sitting on one shoulder telling me “Oh, I’m sure you had a wonderful day, but don’t you feel badly that you won’t share it with someone?” Meanwhile, “bad” little angel was saying “For the love of god, you don’t have to share everything about your life! In fact, you should do this more often.  You DESERVE it.”

I turned up the music louder. 

In thinking of my afternoon off, everything in my “being” was wanting that day off and I milked it as much as I could. But there was an underlying current of guilt the whole time.

As parents we are constantly juggling the needs of our families, of work and other pressures in life. If we manage to find that elusive solitude, it can often become an internal battle of the wills, which negates the act of solitude itself. Why even take alone time if you aren’t going to reap all the benefits of it? Add on a layer of secrecy and you can drown in that solitude rather than come alive.

We know keeping secrets is never good. There’s lots of research out there on this. But when it comes to undercover alone time maybe there are other factors to consider. Perhaps it just comes down to the weight of our responsibilities, the relationship that we have with our partners, or our own mental health.

Or… maybe it is just about that one day, where we want to break all the rules, and push the “good” little angel off its ass.

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