Unfamiliar Territory

It is generally understood that our behavior and the decisions we make are not always based on fact, expertise or research, but rather on what we’ve done in the past.

$1,500. That magical number my Visa balance likes to hover around. Five pounds. The last several pounds I can never seem to lose.

Wouldn’t you agree that in the big scheme of life these are small issues that probably have simple solutions? Yet it seems “my” solutions never work. My financial situation and the fat on my thighs are big weights on my rise to complete happiness.

I think to myself – I make more money, I’ve set up a budget, I bring my lunch to work every day and I put lots of cash on my credit card every month. These are obvious solutions to my debt issues. Surely, these will work for me and I’ll be debt free this time next year.

But then I get my visa statement.

I hesitantly open it, read the balance and instantly feel my blood boiling. Why in the heck is my statement at $1,525!?

@#@&&!! I suddenly get the urge to defrost my credit card and run rampant around the shopping mall.

It is generally understood that our behavior and the decisions we make are not always based on fact, expertise or research, but rather on what we’ve done in the past. Isn’t it easier and more comfortable to go with what we know, even when our behavior in the past has not always given us the results we wanted? Aren’t we always hoping for different results?

I know I am guilty.

Benjamin Franklin said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

If this definition is true then I border on insanity every day. All I have to do is consider my visa balance and the three pairs of pants I can never seem to fit into.

I realize that the reason why “my” solutions never work is because I’m doing something that cancels them out. There’s a behavior that is just not working for me. The challenge is finding out what that is.

What is causing me my financial and health grief? (Pause for thought.) Huh.

Only 40-something years of behavior to sift through.

Sounds like fun.

There was an episode on Seinfeld once where George thought he’d do the opposite of his normal behavior. And it reaped fairly positive results.

I forgot about the episode up until a friend of mine brought it up. In response to my various woes, she said, “Why not just try the opposite of your typical behavior.”

Sometimes it can be difficult to even know my typical behavior. So I thought I’d try with one area where I did see my behavior more clearly.

Scenario: Text not talk

I avoid conflict. In person. But, I am a formidable adversary on email.

Yes. You threaten me and you’ll get one hell of an email. The grammar will be perfect, the message will have just the right tone and be so clear, there will be no question as to what I’m saying and that, well, I’m right. My email sparks an exchange of emails that eventually tire out my opponent. There will be no agreement and yet there is also no more disagreement. There is silence on both ends.

Phew. I wipe my hands clean. I nipped that one in the bud. Yes sirree. I’m pretty sure I got my point across and they will see it my way. Conflict aborted.

But not really. Typically the end result goes one of two ways. The person avoids me and I avoid them. It takes weeks, maybe months to develop the relationship again. Or, we find ourselves together, tiptoeing around each other saying all the right things but never getting to the heart of the matter. Until it comes up again.

I recognize that to have fulfilling relationships I have to be able to communicate properly and deal with conflict straight on.

So, the opposite of my normal email retaliation is to deal with it in person. To have to listen and god forbid, be wrong.

So I take baby steps.

My husband and I were arguing about something (probably money!). With no solution in sight we walked away from each other. As in the past my fingers wanted to find a key board. I knew just what I wanted to write to him!

And then I realized what I was doing and stopped myself. It was hard.

When we find ourselves at home together again, I’m not at all prepared.

“Um…?” I don’t know what to say. So he starts to talk.

The conversation doesn’t go in the direction I thought it would. All the things I wanted to say no longer mean anything. I was ready for a battle, but instead I got a truce. It’s unfamiliar territory.

“Since our reality is a creation of our beliefs, feelings, and thoughts, when we allow our self to open to the unknown, we release our self from what we already think, feel, and believe. When there is a field of “emptiness” where we are able to see space rather than barrier, new possibilities can emerge; we are free to go beyond our limiting beliefs.” (Brenner)

Doing the opposite was an unknown for me, an “emptiness” that opened my eyes to a new path.

It made me see how emailing can lead to overthinking. And overthinking has a way of making a mountain out of a molehill. And I see that talking in person allows me to observe body language and for someone to see mine. Despite our fighting, I could look into Derek’s eyes and know he still cared. And, finally, it allowed me to reflect on the need I am meeting when I turn to email to communicate.

I may not have been “right”, but for once I was no longer insane!

Reference: Brenner, Abigail. Psychology Today. How to Change Your Behavior for Good. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/in-flux/201306/how-change-your-behavior-good)

Unfolding Tip:

Do the opposite of your normal behavior – go into the “unknown” – to open your eyes to new possibilities.