A Parenting Canvas – My Realizations As A Mom

Every day you have a blank canvas and what is put on that canvas is representative of emotions, events, joys, challenges, experiences, and past and present learnings exploding together into what is called parenthood.

Kids. It’s a word that elicits a plethora of thoughts and emotions.

Sometimes, I often think of life in terms of before and after them.

Before, my biggest worries and achievements were indicative of daily life – meeting a work deadline, planning and saving for vacations, looking ahead to lazy weekends, sitting down to leisurely dinners and learning life lessons through my relationships with friends, family, colleagues and life itself. After, now, the worries and achievements are centered around those little people in my life who have turned it upside down in ways that both test and teach me.

I thought I was prepared for the upside down. Being a very organized and prepared person I did everything I could to get ready for the changes (I believed) they would bring to my life.

I closely observed friends who had kids to learn their techniques; researched every piece of equipment that I’d need – the best car seat, the hardiest stroller, the safest cribs and the highest quality bottles; highlighted and marked pages in books about napping, breastfeeding, baby bowel movements, and fevers; and completed a first aid course.

But as I’m sure you’ve heard before, nothing can prepare you for having kids. There is no recipe, magic formula or crystal ball. Every day you have a blank canvas and what is put on that canvas is representative of emotions, events, joys, challenges, experiences, and past and present learnings exploding together into what is called parenthood. At first glance they are quite different and then over time begin to show similarities depicting your values, understandings, and realizations from being a parent.

Here is what I have realized.

1. My children are not an extension of me and my husband.

It’s hard at times to look at my son and daughter and not begin to form a future for them that doesn’t even exist yet. I look at Emma – her curiosity, charm, humor, and sassy-ness – and I begin to create a person who is a performer or her own boss. I see her as someone I wish I always was. I look at Jack – his imagination, resourcefulness, creativity, and intelligence, and begin to create a person who is an architect or builder. He will be just like his father.

At some point over these past five years I’ve started to see that Jack and Emma are not really “mine” or Derek’s. They will not necessarily like what I like or be able to fill the gap on who I wish I was. They will not necessarily take roads I wish I took or help to rectify the mistakes I have made. Instead, they need the freedom to explore without my vision of them interfering. They are on their own journey and Derek and I are simply here to arm them, teach them and guide them to decide who they want to be. Whoever that may be.

2. My children should be allowed to be more misbehaved than me.

There isn’t a day that goes by when Jack or Emma don’t push my buttons. Usually it’s in the morning when we’re getting ready for the day. Jack insists on wearing his shorts in five degree weather – “But it’s spring time Mom!” Emma wants to wear her favorite pair of pants that have been in the hamper for two days already.

There’s sighing, yelling and crying (many times by me). It’s only when I get into my car and begin to breathe normally again that I realize how much I have been overtaken by….a three and five-year old! Why is it that I have reacted so badly to these little people who have only been on this earth for such a short period of time? I have forgotten that they are still learning and have their moods and bad days just as I do. That if anyone is not behaving well – it’s me. After all, I should know better. I’m acting like I’m five and expecting them to act like adults.

3. There is no “best age”.

I remember when Jack was a newborn and people would always say to me: “It gets so much better when you get out of the newborn stage.” Then there was the toddler period: “It’s so exciting, they learn to walk and talk – it’s such a cute age!” Now I’ve been hearing that the ages between six and nine are the “sweet spot”, where our kids can take care of themselves fairly well, communicate better, and still think you’re somewhat cool as their mother or father.

What I’ve realized is that each age with my children brings its ups and downs. That the downs of one age will be the ups of another. And vice versa. For example, I couldn’t wait for Jack and Emma to learn how to talk. In fact, I tried desperately to make Emma’s first word “Momma”. I failed. It was “Dadda!” all the way. Fortunately, she’s made up for that, and every day I hear “Mom!” at least one hundred times.

Each stage is a wonder to me. And each one brings stories, comments, and advice from other parents. But there’s really only one thing I really hear. When the evening begins, and Jack and Emma are having their night time snack, and it’s quieter in the house, I’ll look at these two little human beings and marvel in them. I’ll take stock – notice Jack’s growing feet and long legs, kiss Emma’s big cheeks and listen to her squeaky little girl voice – and I’ll remind myself that another stage is coming soon. And that this one is short lived. That’s the only thing I have known to be true of each stage. That time goes by so quickly, just as everyone says it does.

4. My biggest learnings have come through my kids.

I remember back to when I was watching the Oprah show and she was interviewing a lady by the name of Dr. Shefali Tsabary, who wrote a book called The Conscious Parent. In it, she says the objective of the book is to bring to light “how we might identify and capitalize on the emotional and spiritual lessons inherent in the parenting process, so that we can use them for our own development, which in turn will result in the ability to parent more effectively.” To me, there is no bigger truth in parenting. I have learned more about myself by being a mother than I have through any other experience in my life. In fact, I would say that the lessons I have learned and the experiences that I have accumulated have made me a better person overall, and that my ability to be a better friend, daughter, and colleague have been greatly influenced by my children.

Here is where I feel I have grown the most:

• Listening. Sometimes it’s hard after a challenging day at work to come home and immediately be bombarded with loud, frenzied kids, who want to tell me every moment of their day. Dinner has to be made, lunches have to be packed, and something always has to be cleaned. But each time they begin, I put down whatever I’m doing, find a place to sit and listen to them. What I most enjoy about this experience is hearing the new words they use and the excitement in their voices, and watching the expressions on their faces. I notice their eyes get big, their eyebrows go up and even how they breathe when they share. I’m sure I don’t take such care when I’m at work – because that might creep my colleagues out – but I am much more present and able to quiet my mind to listen.
• Connecting. All (my) children want is a simple connection. I find it funny at times that Jack will ask me to do art with him. This usually means we’re coloring something, gluing sticks together, or making paper airplanes – separately. Once in a while, Jack will make a comment or I’ll say something to him and we’ll laugh. But more often than not we’re often sitting in silence doing our own thing. He just wants me there in his space, sitting next to him, participating in an activity that he enjoys. What this means is that I am disconnected from my phone, from the probable mess surrounding me, and all the stuff that wants to pull me away from him. I have become more aware of this connection, its importance and how it feeds both of our souls.
• Playing. “Mommy! Daddy! Play with me!” I think it’s safe to say that every parent has heard this request. At times, I find myself thinking about all the articles I’ve read telling me how we spend too much time entertaining our children and how they should learn to play on their own. And then I take stock of the coming evening, day or weekend, and know that time together may be limited with errands and other “stuff”. So I pull myself from whatever I’m doing and play. During my last play time with Emma and Jack we spent the evening jumping off the couch on to our freshly shampooed rug. At first I took videos of them in slow motion…and then thought I’d join in. It was fun. We made piles of pillows to catch us, laughed loudly, and we (I) might have peed our pants a little bit while we competed for “best couch jump”.

5. I need to take care of myself and my marriage.

Like any good thing sometimes too much of it can have the opposite effect. Being a parent is an honor and a blessing. We have these wonderful human beings in our lives who can bring us so much joy one day – and then suck the life out of us the next! You can’t be much help when you have no life in you.

There’s a great little picture that I came across on Instagram. It’s made for kids, but I think is relatable for adults too. It shares how kids are when they are dealing with an empty cup, what empties the cup, and what fills the cup. As adults, one of our greater talents is to be aware of when our cup is getting low and to be responsible enough to fill it up (in good ways) again. For me it might mean I take a quick drive in my car, grab a coffee and sit on a park bench. Sometimes I might take a long weekend with my girlfriends.

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For my husband it may mean going out on a weekly bike ride with his buddies or taking a trip with them every year. It also means making time for the two of us. If we’re not together for a while, feelings of “aloneness” and disconnect begin to settle in. We disconnect our technology in the evenings, sit on the couch and chat, or even visit the local pub for a beer. The connection I have within myself and with my husband are what holds the family together. Without that we would have nothing to give those most important people in our lives.

Our – Kids.

Unfolding Tip:

If parenting was a canvas, it would look like this: