I am Bee-u-ti-ful
Every morning I do my four-year old daughter’s hair as she stands in front of the bathroom mirror. On this particular morning, as I started on her “Princess Anna” braids, she smiled sweetly at her reflection and said to herself, “I am bee-u-ti-ful.”
I have always been acutely aware of how I talk about myself in front of my children. On days I feel “fat” or “bloated”, or generally don’t feel like I’m having a good day, I try my best not to make my appearance or body a point of discussion. By doing so, over the years I have steered away from making any comments about external appearances, to anyone. In fact, I rarely express to my daughter how beautiful I think she is. As a mother to a little girl who is living in a world of Disney princesses, pretty Barbie dolls, and adorable 5-year old YouTube stars, for some reason I felt that by not talking about her looks I would somehow ensure she was less focused on her appearance.
But as I stood there next to her that morning, two thoughts crossed my mind.
First, I realized that in the not too distant future she will not think she is beautiful. Like many, if not most young girls, she will enter that time period of critiquing every part of herself and not liking who she sees in the mirror. That led me to feel that I should wholeheartedly agree with her (which I did, of course).
In an article by The Atlantic, they speak to research they conducted with Ypulse to poll more than 1300 girls from ages 8 to 18. The data revealed that when girls were asked to “rate their confidence on a scale of 0 to 10, from the ages of 8 to 14, the average of girls’ responses fell from approximately 8.5 to 6—a drop-off of 30 percent.”
That statistic is scary to me. And sad.
I marvel at my daughter’s intelligence, spunk, confidence, humor, openness and stubbornness. At times I find it exhausting and wonder how I was gifted such a vocal, self-assured child. But I always feel that these qualities will serve her well as she gets older. To think that one day she may have a fraction of these qualities makes my heart sink.
So, in that moment, as I was braiding her hair, I felt that if she wanted to say she was beautiful I would agree with enthusiasm.
That’s when I had my second thought. I had an opportunity to bring to light more than just her appearance.
So I asked my daughter, “What else are you?” She started off with saying, “I’m happy.” And then she went on with a list of other qualities. Funny. Smart. Kind. Sparkly (?). Powerful (not sure where this came from but I went with it). After that I asked her to say it all again. She grinned from ear to ear, stood up a little bit straighter, and said the words to her reflection in a clear, strong voice. She repeated them again.
I basked in the moment. I was always the quiet child who wanted to be perfect or not known at all. There is nothing I want less for my daughter. What I do want for her is to always believe the good qualities of herself that she spoke of.
That morning, after I sent her off on the school bus with her brother, I couldn’t help but think again about that moment.
Omitting references to my daughter’s appearance was probably not going to stop her from placing attention on the way she looks. She will learn more about society’s focus on appearance through daily life – her shows on the iPad, her friends, and (whether I mean to or not) from me too. I know that, unfortunately, she will not be immune to the impact of her appearance and how it will be a factor in almost anything she does in her life.
Whether my daughter places high importance on her appearance will also be up to her. It will be the culmination of many experiences and interactions that will enable my daughter to decide for herself what is most important. Meanwhile, I do have a chance to model what is important for a body, beyond what it looks like. To be healthy and strong, to exercise and eat good food, and to feel good in my own skin. I can also model confidence in myself and the other positive qualities I have. I want to model this not only for my daughter, but also my son.
I also saw that it’s ok to compliment my daughter on her appearance, especially on all her other positive qualities. I can remind her of them every chance I can, so that (hopefully) the words become woven into who she is. And I want her to become the author of those qualities. To think about them when she experiences hardship or doubt, or feels “fat”.
I want it so that when my daughter is older she’ll think back to when she was standing in her “Princess Anna” braids in front of the bathroom mirror, and her mom asked her “what else” she is.
I want her to remember that she responded – Happy. Funny. Smart. Kind. Sparkly. Powerful.
AND that I think she is absolutely bee-u-ti-ful.
Reference:
Claire Shipman, K. K. (2018, September 21). How Puberty Kills Girls’ Confidence. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/09/puberty-girls-confidence/563804/
Image source: Canva
12 Comments
Kirsten
I love this. I really like the way you focused on her other qualities that are most important, and also let her express the outer ones too. It’s hard raising daughters today. I want mine not to be focused on their appearance too.
Dana
Thank-you Kristen. It was fun to hear what she thought – and surprising too!
Nichole Pauson
I love when you asked her “What else are you…”
It is so hard for us to know what is the best approach and so crazy how much they learn and pick up on.
Great article!
Dana
It’s definitely trial and error sometimes. This was one of those days when I felt I had a ‘win’. Thank-you for your comment! 🙂
EB Hawks
What a bee-u-ti-ful moment for you and your daughter. In addition to being a great role model for her, you were a good role model for me as I read your story. I have 3 kids of varying ages and degrees of confidence. I will ask them each to list their good qualities to me when the moment arises now. Thank you.
Dana
Thank-you! It’s definitely interesting to hear what our kids have to say about themselves. A little bit of insight into their minds. 🙂
Michele Savage
I love this! I always worry about when my 3-1/2 year old daughter is older, will she lose the confident, spunky social butterfly qualities she holds now? I don’t want her to turn into the fearful, anxious child I was. So I do the same things…getting her to repeat her strengths while looking in the mirror.
Dana
Hi Michele – I love that you do the same thing. Sometimes I ask my daughter out of the blue what she is…and she still says these things. Thank you for your comment. 🙂
Matt Carvainis
This post just goes to show you that we can learn a lesson from anyone in life, even a 5 year old. Your daughter’s confidence and the way you encouraged her to keep speaking positively about herself have ensured a happy start to my day. I feel like we can all learn a valuable lesson from this about the language we use to describe ourselves. Great story!
Dana
Hi Matt – you’re right about where we can learn our lessons. I think I learn most of my lessons from my kids these days! Thank-you for your feedback!
Lisa
I LOVE this. I could have written it myself, as the mother of a beautiful 4 year old who also enjoys wearing Princess Anna braids. I tell my daughter every day that she is beautiful, as I have for nearly 5 years now. I WANT her to look in the mirror and see a beautiful girl, I WANT her to feel good about her appearance. I don’t want her to become a teenager and start asking “Am I beautiful?” Only to have that question go unanswered because I never told her. Instead of stepping around that word, I tell her that she is beautiful because she has a pretty face, because she has shiny blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes and also because she has a kind heart, because she adores all living things (seriously this kid got out The Very Hungry Caterpillar and recited it to her caterpillars to inspire them as they were getting ready to make their chrysalids and become butterflies). I tell her she is beautiful because of who she IS not just what she looks like. I also tell her that she is smart, independent, creative, etc, but I want her to grow up to have a sense that she IS beautiful and that beauty is not just about makeup and fashion and looking pretty – although there is nothing wrong with these things. Beauty is being a whole, complex, wonderful person, from the inside out.
Dana
Hi Lisa – I just love your comment. Thank so much for reading and providing your perspective. You have a great way with words. 🙂