Re-Defining “Career Woman”

It’s 6:30am. I’m half awake driving to the train station, close to tears, missing my son and our routine over the past year. By now he’d be waking up and I’d stumble out of bed to get him and bring him to my room so we could snuggle together. And then, of course, the day would escape us.

It’s my first day back to work after maternity leave, but I feel like it’s my first day on a new job. When you’re working you don’t see it like someone who has been away for a while.  It’s like when you see a friend every day and they never seem to change, but if you saw them some time later, they would be different somehow.  Even if it is just an extra wrinkle or two!

I feel like this is one of the biggest surprises when you’re away from your job for a while and then return. Your whole work life is changed – from your projects, to your team and even the broader organization.  Also, you’re different. A new parent whose world has been kicked upside down and never seems to right itself.

I have been lucky in the job department, with excellent “bosses” who had similar values to me, offering challenging and interesting work opportunities. At work I found support, caring, growth and even a feeling of family, replacing the family I left behind when I moved from a small city to the bustling city of Toronto.

It came as no surprise then that my job would become my life.

When I left on maternity leave I left a job I loved.  It was stimulating, challenging, and satisfying.  I walked happily into work each day.  I was a “career woman” who worked until 10pm at night and answered emails while I was in bed. My job defined me.

My biggest fear upon leaving for maternity leave?

It was that people would forget my success and I’d have to prove myself again when I returned to work. Then I had my baby boy and everything did change. On that first day back at the job I felt overwhelmed and unable to keep up with the pace of my colleagues who were still at work when I left and who answered emails after hours. It was overwhelming for some time.

I believed to prove my worth I would have to work long hours again and answer emails in between rocking my little boy to sleep. After all, that’s what success had always looked like to me. But frankly, I didn’t know if I had it in me. Between my 2-hour drive to and from work, a toddler at home vying for my attention, a husband who needed me too, and work itself, I  found myself settling for doing ok in everything but not spectacular in anything.  It seemed a hard pill to swallow. I felt I had disappointed not just myself, but everyone.

It’s clear to me now how important organizational culture is. That it needs to be stronger than any of the programs, processes or policies that are in place.  

I know parents who say their organizations have all the supports available, but that there is an unspoken message that somehow they need to be the same person they were before they had a family. As one friend shared, you can have your reduced work week when you come back (but really you’re still “kind of” expected to work as many hours in four days as you did in five).

Perhaps this isn’t surprising in some industries or work environments where long hours and exceptionally high performance are expected on a consistent basis. The expectation if you choose that certain line of work is “shit or get off the pot”. And maybe that’s just the way it is. Where a culture to support parents may be missing, the burden is on the new parent. It’s not just to keep up and transition successfully back to their job, but to also find the time to take a good hard look at themselves and their own values. 

Could I be both a mother and a career woman in a way that satisfied me?

I found myself in a state of limbo caught between being a career woman and a new mother, and having to consider what I really wanted and who I now was. In times of transition lies an opportunity to reflect on what’s important and what the road ahead looks like. Clearly, I would have to re-define what being a “career woman” meant and by extension define myself in a different way.

A complete mind shift was needed.

I decided success in my job would be less about the time I spent on it and more about what I wanted to be recognized for – collaborative, innovative, dependable, creative, and producer of high quality work. I may not have been able to stay late at work and I might have passed up social work functions, but I felt I could at least be these things and also a mother. 

As I sat down to consider what was important to me with all the changes in my life, I couldn’t help but look back and think that it would have been nice if someone sat me down before my year off and asked me some questions. “Now that you’re about to have a baby, what do you think your life will look like once you come back to work? Who will you be?  What does success look like?” Perhaps this “someone” would have been a successful mother at my work.

I’m sure I wouldn’t have had all the answers but it would have given me some unspoken permission to acknowledge the changes that were about to happen, as well as ease my fears and answer some questions. I think I would have liked these same questions when I returned too.  In hindsight, maybe I should have sought this person out.  But sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know!

Although my new definition of “career woman” worked well for me, the changes didn’t happen immediately. 

I had to be kind to myself and forgiving.  Thankfully, I had a boss who was supportive of me leaving at 4pm so I could get home by 6pm.  And who understood when I had to turn around and go back home early to take care of my sick child. What also helped was the opportunity to work from home a few days a week, which was worth its weight in gold. I saved three to four hours of driving those days, which meant I could wipe my son’s blueberry stained hands at breakfast and sing him songs at bath time in the evenings. I also found solace in talking to other women who had children, which helped me to see that it was possible to be both successful and a mother. It was a relief that others who appeared so calm, professional and “together” on the outside had, like me, cried at work behind closed doors.

We often hear people say that you should find a job that you love.  That if you can make money while doing something you love, then you’ve hit the jackpot.

I really took this message to heart.  Today, we are bombarded with this message on Instagram and other social media – spreading the virtues of doing what you love. I am not immune to the dream, of always wanting to make sure I love my job. I think it’s inspiring to see. 

But what I’ve recently come to realize is that you don’t necessarily have to have a job that meets all your needs. And my experience has taught me that I shouldn’t define myself by it.  There is a video where Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love, distinguishes between a hobby, job, career and vocation. She says that you don’t have to love your job; it doesn’t need to fulfill your emotional life – your hobbies, dreams, or vocation. Even though I have hit the job jackpot many times, I sighed with relief when I saw this video. If you are in a job or career you don’t like, or even if you love your job, and/or you feel it defines you, then have a look at the video.

Today, I work closer to home. My job has given me the opportunity to re-define myself once again. Not because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to.  I have two children now and feel like I have the best of many worlds.  I am an excellent mother and doing well in an excellent job. And I have time for other things that light me up.

Today, I am no longer just the collaborative, creative career woman who does quality work.  I am also a mother, daughter, friend, wife, and writer and blogger. 

I am working in a job I love AND doing things on the side that I love.

I have re-defined myself not by my job or even how I want to be in my job. Instead I focus on how I want to feel.

Successful in many areas of life, happy, inspired and at peace with who I am and what I offer – both inside and outside of my work.

Unfolding Tip:

Don’t fret during times of transition. There lies an opportunity to reflect on what’s important and what the road ahead looks like. Also, try not to define yourself by your job!